What a hard fall. Failed chem (S), passed maths (D), failed econs (U), passed GP (E). Expecting a fail in CSE too. Truth to be told, i'm numb abt failing exams alr. What's new?
Need to pick myself up again this time round. Had another round of 'after-paper' talk for chem again, and its making me feel worse than ever. I hate being overtaken by people. It makes me feel weak. Adding on to this, the talk did not motivate me to work harder this time round. What the hell is happening to me?! I feel as though I had changed entirely, from the moment I knew that i'm gonna retain. Is this change good?? Its making me feel like a two-faced person which I detest. The stress is pushing me towards being someone I do not want to be. Is this the price of pursuing academics excellence??
I just feel so suffocated. Whatever I am doing now won't help one bit. Am I too harsh on myself? Am I the one pinning expectations on myself? I need to chill. This won't make me feel any better.
I NEED TO BUCK UP. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE 3 YEARS OF MY FREAKING LIFE DOING NOTHING. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TEACHERS' EFFORT. I WANT TO PUT A SMILE ON THEIR FACE. MOST OF ALL, I WANT TO MAKE THEM PROUD OF ME. I GOT MY AIM, I JUST NEED TO PULL MYSELF TOWARDS IT, NO MATTER HOW HARD, TIRING, FRUSTRATING AND DISAPPOINTING THINGS MAY GET. I WILL PULL UP MY SOCKS. I WILL MAKE THE PEOPLE I CHERISH AND CARE ABOUT PROUD OF ME.

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Reality check: 1 more day to chem paper 2, 2 more days to math paper 1 and cse paper 1, 3 more days to chem paper 3, 5 more days to cse paper 2. Absolutely merciless. So drained out now, literally.

Whats making me worried now is my confidence level for my chem paper. Its at an all time low. I really mean it.  I cnt even do one qns from where I stopped for my revision package w/o refering to the ans. The migraine is not helping either. All these are making me lose my confidence and motivation to do well. SCREW ALL THESE FEELINGS!!!

Cnt help but feel that i'm alone in all these shit. Nobody ever freaking cares, not even my family. They only made me feel even more demoralised. I feel as though i'm a burden to them.

Really thank God for my friends. My life would be a dread w/o them. But still, there are times where they couldn't help, in terms of family issues. At least they are there when I need a listening ear.

I feel really sad when I realise that i'm not as close to my family compared to my friends. I've always classified my family as a dysfunctional one, with my parents not speaking since i'm 10. I'm still confused about why this happens. I'm sick and tired of my family life. I don't even have one. I envy kids with parents that actually communicate with one another. I cnt even study at home now.

Someone tell me what to do please.

I'VE GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE!!! I'm feeling freaking worried and fearful of midyears, fear of blanking out at the crucial moment, and losing focus of it all. Experienced it before, and I paid with one year of pure repeating what I should have already been well-versed with by the end of 2010 ):

I guess its this kind of fear that pushed me to achieve the results I have now (maybe except for CSE LOL) , but at the same time, its making me lose sleep, especially near exam periods. Ironic, since it would be essential to have sufficient sleep so that I would be able to focus.

I've been feeling irritable recently. Very tensed up, suffocating feeling ): so i'm currently looking for ways to relax. Listening to 987 fm (divian & jacqui) is helping, but once the show ends, the insomnia feeling bugs me again. The show just ended, as usual, I had fun listening to their jokes, especially the part on Da Bomb (: super hilarious!!! Keeps me looking forward to their show every weekday evening, when i'm doing my revision. Hopefully, it doesn't make me lose momentum heh!

Speaking abt momentum, I can't seem to study the way I did last year. Somehow, this year feels very different from last year. I can't seem to study at the pace I used to. Perhaps its due to the unfamilarity of the topics I learnt this year. Take maths for example. Things I studied for stats doesn't stay in my brain. For econs, my causal links are all over the place, especially for macro.

I didn't plan out any study timetable for june hols this time round, cos I know the chances of me following it-> 0. I just study whatever subjects I want to. I've decided to camp at je lib faithfully every friday until the hols end, and i'll focus on chem every fri. Econs revision package is too heavy to carry to and fro je lib, so i'll reserve econs revision at home. Math is another problem for me. I still don't know how to study effectively for maths, even after 2 -3 years in jc. My jc1 topics are all untouched, onlym managed to practice qns on 3 out of 18 pure maths topic, which is obviously insufficient ._. Shall allocate more time to maths in the following weeks of hols.

I should be sleeping now, but i'm afraid of nightmares abt me failing midyears, getting screamed at from teachers (especially from mrs how :s one stare/ disappointed expression from her is all it takes for me to go straight home after school just to study chem, w/o any second thoughts.) I guess I must try my best to feel positive abt my preparations for midyears, to improve the quality of my sleeptime.

Anyway, really looking forward to Sunday- study session with jessie and nazi at macs :D its the only time I get to interact with them since sch starts!! SUPER DUPER LOOKING FORWARD TO IT :DDD

And coming Tues, trip to toy mueseum with besties!! Been real long since we went out together ): its been 4 months since we last met up!!! Its just that whenever any 2 of us are free, the other 2 would be MIA. Even though this trip takes time out of my revision, i'm willing to sacrifice it cos I really do no know when we will all be free on the same day again. Besides, I may be more productive in my revision after this trip (: perhaps all I need is a short break from academics; a short getaway may just be what I need to relieve my midyears stress and anxiety. Who knows, I may even perform better if I take some time out of my packed schedule to do what I really like. But then again, self-discipline is needed on my part, to ensure that my rest and playtime does not exceed my study time ((:

Alright, shall stop here. Need to catch up on my sleep. I'll need it for mugging session at lib tmr *yawns* Ciaos!!! :D

Seriously, life is just so unfair that sometimes, I feel that what i'm trying to do, my efforts, are totally unappreciated. Lately, this feeling is back to bug me again.

I really don't know why I am pushing myself so hard, spending hours on jus one freaking chapter of the whole syllabus, forgoing mealtimes, tv times. These are things that I will never ever forgo back then. Why the hell am I doing all these, when all I get in return are just scoldings?

I stay up late to wrap up my revision, all I get is you saying that i'm wasting electricity, and reprimanding me for not doing my work in the day. If i'm really that smart, I wouldn't even need to work that hard. You think I like to slog my guts out the whole day, till midnight, jus to revise one chap?

What's even worse is, he stays up way later than me, doing I-don't-know what stuffs in his room, and definitely wasting much more electricity than me, why aren't you scolding him? Sometimes I don't understand what is going on in your mind. What you are doing now is like denying all my hardwork to show you that i'm capable of more. I think that you are not proud of me when I get the awards and scholarship. I'm really trying very hard to make you proud. But i'm getting really tired, and I wanna jus give up. Am feeling very awful now. I really fear that whatever I learnt will jus slip out of my mind. I've experienced this before, and paid a huge price for it. But i'm willing to shoulder this consequences, cos I knew I did not put in enough effort. But its different now. I'm really trying my utmost best. Sad thing is, you don't seem to acknowledge it, and it kind of make my efforts seem futile, and unappreciated, so insignificant. Sometimes I feel like my only source of motivation is my friends and teachers. They make me feel more appreciated. At least my hardwork meant something to them. I look up to them, admire them, strive to be as knowledgeable as them in the respective subjects they teach, especially for chem. Mrs How is an awesome teacher, even though she rarely smile in class, but when she do, it pushes me to work even harder, to rise up to her standards. Btw she looks really warm and pretty when she smiles. I guess this must be the reason why I continue pushing myself for chem; I jus wanna see her smiles :) They give me the motivation to push myself even harder. My teachers and friends brighten up my dull life (:

But i'm still feeling so insecure and useless and fearful now. SIGH.

Ct is finally over (: results are out too, didn't do very well, not up to expectations ): still deciding whether to tell my mum and dad abt my results, or jus leave it till parents teacher meeting 2 weeks later ))): arggghhh!!!!! Damn freaking irritating sial!! Too much homework to do!!! Plus reflections for ct!!! All due on mon!!! Plus still ask us go engaging china seminar tmr for god knows what reasons. Half of my weekends will be spent on doing something somewhat redundant. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH WHERE GOT SO MUCH TIME?!?? THEN STILL DARE ASK US WHY WE LOOK SO TIRED DURING CLASS. What logic is this man. What an unfair life. Well, who to blame?? 

I swear, I really dislike my family, except my mum. Wanna eat lunch don't want go out and buy it themselves, purposely ask me go out buy. They are too reluctant to lift their asses off the couch, as well as to miss some scenes of the movie they are watching. Wth, i'm halfway through my revision for econs paper tmr sial, not playing eh. Should have just went to church with my mum this morning )):

Oh well, can only blame it on myself. But I really didn't have any regrets helping out at CCC yesterday!!! It was an eyeopener for me, getting to experience what it was like to be a timer for the cheer competition. Of course, I get to see alot of performances from various gb company. I admire their perseverance and strength, but I must still say, some companies deserve better results. Shall not mention any names here heh!! As if she would be reading my blog lol.

All in all, it was a great experience for me. This may be the last time i'm volunteering at this type of large events. If my academic results permit, I will definitely jump at any chances for me to volunteer, no matter how minor the position is ((:

Gtg!!! Need to buy lunch for my lazy dad and bro and myself, after that, back to the books!!! May god bless my short studying time today, and make it as productive as possible. AMEN. (((:

Sian it really sucks when I cannot do anything to help my close ones. SUCKS BIG TIME. This feeling of helplessness really fucked upy emotions. I just don't know what to say to make everyone feel better. My jokes are not even as funny as it used to be. SUCH A LOSER. No mood for anything now. Hope that this feeling end soon. Kthxbye